fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
