New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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