Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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