just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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