at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
