I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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