Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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