If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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