he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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