life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
