why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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