I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
