It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
