Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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