oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Randomize
