You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
