During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
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