That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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