Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize