If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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