If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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