ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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