I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
