We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
