If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
