I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
