After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
