omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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