this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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