i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
