Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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