go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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