I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
