my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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