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Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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