Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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