dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Come on in and take your pants off
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