There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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