Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
