i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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