I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
