I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
