It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
