I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
