morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
