oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
