dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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