i think my tv is drunk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
