When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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