i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
