Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
