Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
