You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
